Edward Penishands / Эдвард Руки-Пенисы (Paul Norman, Video Team) [1991 г., Feature, All Sex, Parody, DVDRip] (Jeanna Fine, Alexandria Quinn, Ashley Nicole, Jamie Leigh, Dominique Simone, Trinity Loren, Sikki Nixx, Jon Dough)

Adult Video News

Let me start off by saying that this has to be one of the best erotic video interpretations of a mainstream film that I have ever reviewed. This is a perfect recapture of the Tim Burton film. Credit Paul Norman, master of the penile prosthesis, for creating “Edward.” As the story goes, Patricia, marvelously moaned by Alexandria Quinn, saleslady for a line of marital aids, pays a call on the place where Edward dwells. And finding Edward to be the possessor of a wonderful set of tools, she tries them all in one of the great double penetration scenes of all videodom. And succumbing to the charm, and pleasure of Edward, takes him home.
When we arrive at Patricia’s home, we are treated to a merger of her daughter Susan (Jeanna Fine) and a friend, which goes from self indulgence to mutual satisfaction. Meanwhile, Edward has his way, and his way is strange indeed, with a salt and pepper pair of voluptuous females.
Patricia’s husband (Jon Dough) comes home, and finds his wife enraptured with Edward, and does what needs to be done to bring her back to reality. Which brings us to the final scene, when Edward meets Susan, and they merge for the climax of this wonderful feature.
I have never seen Jeanna Fine look better than in this feature. I have never seen a better recreation of a character that Sikki Nix’s portrayal of Edward, both in style and appearance. He IS Edward, and where Johnny Depp’s Edward had one thing, Sikki’s Edward has another. This is marvelous….erotic, witty, great make-up, great prosthesis. Credit Paul Norman, and producer Tori Welles for putting it all together. But the camerawork is dull at times and the look of the sexvid is grainy. What a shame. It’s near-perfect, otherwise.
This is a feature which absolutely must be stocked.

Комментарий Джонни Деппа относительно этого фильма, Adult Video News

Johnny Depp copped to having seen Video Team’s Edward Penishands (1991), a porn parody of Edward Scissorhands during a recent interview.
“I absolutely did. And there was a sequel as well--Edward Penishands 2. I think it was either Tim [Burton] or John Waters who sent it to me,” Depp told E! Online last week. “It might have been both. Tim and I were both quite proud they decided to do that. It was low budget and cheesy, but it was hilarious to watch. Those hands...they served him well.”
Christian Mann, flattered by Depp’s compliment was able to clarify the source of Depp’s copy – Mann had one passed along to Burton, although he admits it’s possible Waters may have bought a copy of his own and passed his copy to Depp also.
Edward Penishands starred Alexandra Quinn, Ashley Nicole, Domonique Simone, Jamie Leigh, Jeanna Fine, Jon Dough, Sikki Nixx, and T.T. Boy. The video was directed by Paul Norman.
“Edward Scissorhands is one of the few mainstream movies that demands a porn parody. Most porn parodies lose any resemblance to the original after the title, including my own "American Booty,” Mann, owner of Video Team, told AVN.com. “In this case Paul Norman executed it perfectly... the movie is a mirror image parody and has in fact become somewhat of a cult classic; it’s probably the most famous porn parody ever.”
Mann notes that there was also an Edward Penishands 3 and that all three are now on DVD, though Video Team did not extend their parody of Edward Scissorhands by parodying their DVD on the DVDs of Video Team’s parody.
“Actually, I never saw it [the DVD version of Edward Scissorhands]... that would have been more clever than we are capable of being,” Mann said.

adult.dvdempire.com

A fun porn parody
I have to admit, I haven't seen many of the porn parodies of mainstream flicks. I don’t know why, but I've never found imitators of Mr. Spock getting their knobs polished to be very exciting. But after seeing "Edward Penishands," maybe this stuff is funnier than I ever gave it credit for being.
Now, mind you, I'm not saying the sex is anything great. Director Paul Norman and producer (but not star in this case) Tori Welles have certainly done pretty incredible work over the years, but the fucking is pretty lackluster here all in all. So if fucking is your one and only game, I figure there's no way you’re going to get total enjoyment out of this release.
But for me, watching Sikki Nixx do a pretty dead-on impersonation of all of Johnny Depp's mannerisms from Tim Burton's "Edward Scissorhands" was a solid laugh-riot. His quivering lips, bulging eyes, and herky-jerky movements as Edward were wacky, and yes, the penishands of the titles were pretty impressive examples of make-up artistry. Also, I'm a true-blue Jeanna Fine fan, and even if this isn't her best role or her most blistering performance, I always enjoy her.
The movie pretty much follows the same arc of the movie. Saleswoman Alexandria Quinn barges into a decrepit old mansion, and sees a strange man in the corner: lo and behold, it's a spiky haired man in black with cocks for hands! Yowza! Poor Edward, created by Tori Welles (in a non-sex cameo), but unable to be fully made into a real person. Still, Alexandria's so intrigued by the sight, that she's gotta try 'em out: she blows and titfucks the penishands before getting her tits sucks and pussy eaten by the freak of science. Sikki/Edward then plunges his penishands into her, one in her pussy, one at her asshole (no real penetration is shown) before she blows his real cock (the one between his legs) and takes it doggy and missionary style. After he cums on her belly, she knows she's gotta take him home to show to the neighbors.
At Alexandria's house, Edward spots a photo of her looker of a daughter, Jeanna Fine. (This is a laugh, since Jeanna's probably considerably older than Alexandria.) Jeanna soon comes home with her buddy Jamie Lee (in her pre-boob job/pre-tattoo/pre-short hair era), and the Sapphic duo get it on lezzie style, fingering their sopping cunts and willing assholes. Dildos probe their pussies, and Jamie even takes one up her butt. Ah, youthful naughtiness!
At dinner, Alexandria sits down with hubby Jon Dough for chow, and Edward tries to eat spaghetti with his cock-handed appendages. Trust me, it's actually funny! Along with Jon Dough's deadpan line deliveries. The appearance of Edward in the neighborhood was enough to pique the interest of two local cuties, Ashley Nicole and Dominique Simone. They steal him away after dinner, and in a shower room, the suck his penishands, and get fucked by them doggy and missionary style. Hey, we've seen two women on one guy before, but now there's one guy fucking two women at the same time. Still, Edward's real dingaling doesn't get any action. The girls are too taken with his man-made, but much more impressive, extremities. After the fist-cock fucking, the penishands cum all over the bellies of the two lasses.
Meanwhile, at home, Alexandria and Jon are talking about what to do with the young freak, and talking about him gets them all hot and bothered. So like all loving porno couples, they fuck on the dinner table. He sucks tit and eats pussy while she gives head and takes his manhood missionary and doggy style before he erupts all over the back of her body. I mean all over it: her hair, her back, her butt. It's an impressive blast of ball-batter.
Edward lies in bed, dreaming about Jeanna, and staring at her picture. It gets him so excited that his penishands cum all over the photo. Jeanna walks in right at that moment, of course, and is initially grossed out. But then, she tastes the jizz off of the photo, and falls in love. They go to his run-down castle of a home, he gives her a romantic shower of cum from his hands (a parody of the ice-carving scene in "Scissorhands"), and then they fuck. She loves him for real too, not his penishands. After some blowjob and 69 action, she rides him cowgirl style and finishes his real dick in her mouth. He cums in it and on her face (although this really isn't a well-shot cumshot...the camera's too far away and the lighting's low), and the pair live happlily ever after.
All in all, "Edward Penishands" is a solid time-waster of an entertainment: it's not great smut, but it is a pretty solid parody. I have to admit, I was laughing pretty constantly (the cum shower is a true classic), but maybe that's only because I don't slog through many of these kinds of titles on a regular basis. Who knows. At any rate, for those who love porn parodies, I figure this is a release that you're bound to enjoy, as long as you’re not expecting blistering boffing. The extras are solid too: a photo gallery, three trailers (for the first 3 "United Colors of Ass" movies), Internet info, and phone sex ads. Even the menu is nicely designed. All in all, a solid release.

somethingawful.com

At a Glance: Remember that part at the end of "Boogie Nights" when Marky Mark stood staring at his giant fake dong in the mirror? What if he had two of those fake dongs? And what if they were fused to his hands? And what if they ejaculated giant fountains of liquid? Well, then "Boogie Nights" would have been "Edward Penishands" and in my estimation a much finer movie for it. I admire the work of Paul Thomas Anderson, but he just can't hold a candle to a Johnny Depp look-alike with dick hands stalking around a house with oversized Trident gum labels on the wall and spraying corn syrup all over mega-haired early nineties porn starlets.
Nation of Origin: The United States of God Bless America.
Languages: English and faux-Depp robospeak.
Sexual Content: One real dick and two fakes ones thrusting and spraying in all of their uncensored merriment.
"Bionic marital aids! Now why didn't I think of that?"
The porn industry has a notorious penchant for parodying Hollywood blockbusters. This practice gives porn directors a ready-made plot that they usually ignore entirely and provides them with a marketable title that might attract that little extra bit of attention sitting next to "Filthy Chode Gulping Grannies Volume 75" on the shelf of the video store. One of the most legendary parodies of the early 90s is "Edward Penishands," a conceptually amusing takeoff of the Tim Burton hit "Edward Scissorhands." Unlike most porn parodies Edward Penishands actually puts some degree of effort into following the plot of the original movie.
The movie begins with a well-dressed businesswoman named Patricia walking around the poorly-lit interior of a warehouse that is supposed to be a castle. She is there trying to unload some marital aids on the bats and empty suits of armor that generally inhabit grainy matte photos of a castle. Instead she finds a half-mute bewigged Edward in the attic gingerly cradling his penis hands, forgotten by a world that has no use for a man with arms that terminate in a giant drape-ruining finger.
Patricia is not as closed minded as the rest of the world and she eagerly embraces Edward. A bit too eagerly in my estimation. If someone's only usable digit was a perpetually erect penis would you immediately plunge it into your mouth? Patricia does and she has no idea where those things have been! He can't even turn on a faucet with them, but there she goes suctioning off the collection of dirt, food, and dry leaves that have probably encrusted Edward's cockhands. Patricia spends a long time putting all of Edward's most private appendages through the paces before finishing up with a three gun salute that could wash out a levy somewhere.
Following their handshake deal Patricia invites the lonely Edward to accompany her back to her house. The prospect of escaping the warehouse/castle is appealing and Edward agrees by screwing up his face and saying "yes" in a robotic monotone. At least they got the Johnny Depp acting technique down exactly! I kid, I kid. I love Depp. He was great as that pirate woman in "Pirates of the Caribbean."
Susanne and chum unleash hell.
Patricia takes Edward back to her house, which has a mysteriously high ceiling and an even more mysterious comically oversized Trident gum wrapper on the living room wall. Edward pays no heed to the interesting décor and homes in on a portrait photo of Patricia's mega-maned daughter Susanne.
Meanwhile, Susanne and her friend have discovered Patricia's trunk full of marital aids in a room that looks like the inside of a Pepto Bismol bottle. Like any 30-year-old women pretending to be teenagers they immediately begin stuffing themselves and each other full of dildos. Actually before they get to the dildo fencing they attack themselves, which leads to a dream-like ten minute long loop of them licking their lips and moaning. Keep in mind this movie was made back in 1990 when each video camera used cassettes made out of diamonds and platinum. Having multiple coverage with cameras wasn't made economically feasible until 1998.
With Susanne and friend wrapping things up in the mauve bedroom Edward stares thoughtfully into the bathroom mirror. He ponders what I assume is the woman who created him and then got old and then died leaving him all alone in the castle/warehouse. Edward remains lost in thought as Susanne rushes around trying to replace all the dildos in the suitcase so Patricia doesn't catch her. She spots a dildo lying on the counter in the bathroom and grabs it to put it back in the suitcase only to realize it's one of Edward's horrifying dickhands! Edward and Susanne both react with delightfully exaggerated horror. Patricia then introduces her daughter and her husband to their new house guest.
This segues into the best scene in the movie. The whole family is gathered around the dinner table enjoying a hot meal of spaghetti. Edward, having no fine-motor control of his penishands, is having more than a little difficulty scooping noodles into his mouth. This amuses Susanne's father and grosses out Susanne until she leaves the table in disgust. Patricia scolds them both for being mean to poor Edward.
Chef Boyardee is gyrating his hips in his grave.
Guests arrive to buy dildos from Patricia but when they spot Edward they decided to borrow him instead. Much to Patricia's chagrin the two ladies drag Edward off to some sort of tiled bathroom right outside the front door and put him to use as a genital scratching pole. Proving that penishanded automatons are colorblind Edward robotically plunges his digital throbbers into the black and white woman simultaneously. Several minutes of thrashing and grunting later and he bastes them both with the fruit of his forearms.
While Edward is away Patricia has sex with her husband on the kitchen table but honestly who cares? We're not here to see some monotonous by-the-numbers sex. By God, we came for dickhands!
Later that night Edward is back at home sitting on his bed. In one of the most bizarrely homoerotic scenes in film history Edward uses his penishands to masturbate his real penis while looking at the portrait of Susanne. Just as his hands are fountaining into the air Susanne enters the bedroom and is obviously disgusted. Edward flees in the sort of terror that only a man caught ejaculating from his hands by the woman he loves can truly know.
Susanne realizes that he was ejaculating over HER and tastes some of his leavings and suddenly everything is great and she loves him. I would like Susanne to write Judge Atwater a letter about that experience because I think it might help me beat this indecent exposure charge. If only my next door neighbor had the common courtesy to lick my semen off her window she might have realized the profundity of my love and reciprocated.
Edward reflects on his past. The symbolism is subtle.
Anyway, Susanne follows Edward to his castle/warehouse. She asks him to hold her and he warns "I cant, I'll squirt." Susanne cares not, for her love transcends the bounds of squirting. She embraces Edward and in slow motion she begins spinning beneath the ceaseless eruptions from his dickhands. Romantic music plays and it is all very touching. Then, somewhere else in the castle where clothing is optional, she tends to Edward's non-hand penis. Love really does conquer all.
The Horror: I would like to be able to say that the scene where Edward uses his penishands to masturbate wins out, but it doesn't. The horror award in this movie easily goes to the spaghetti dinner scene. Nothing in the movie is more grotesque than eating food, especially something like spaghetti, with cockhands. On a somewhat related note, this scene is also the winner in the "best" and "funniest" categories.
The Bottom Line: Edward Penishands is more than just a surreal parody of a Hollywood blockbuster; it's also an entertaining time capsule of early 1990's porn. The hair, the production values, even the women themselves are at a perfect intermediary point. They're caught between the chubby, overly hairy, slightly unattractive eagerness of the 1980's and the slimmed, shaved, surgically sculpted, white washed wooden professionalism of late 90's and contemporary porn. Can you imagine a modern multi-angle gonzo POV porno that has a set with giant Trident gum wrappers on the wall? Me neither.